5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with thers.



Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.



Wisdom:


WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."





NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."



MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.



AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!

Bus Conductor - Nice Puzzle with Logically Good Answer...!!!

This is a good one, you will never guess the answer. .. you may like to solve this…….

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.

One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.

The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.

He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.

He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time?? Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again. Still if you can't, then look below.........think hard.
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Answer:During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously you have to revise your science chapter on Electricity???

Cisss aku pun terkena gak.. jangan mare ekk.. ahaksss...

Mawi & Ekin nak kawennn

tah hapa2 tah aku nie..

dalam banyak2 citer.. aku amik Mawi lak jadik bahan topik aku kali nie..

skang kan mawi tengah berkursus kawen.. so, banyak le aku dapat email pasal depa dok tengah amik kursus siap ngan gambor lagik tuh..

dalam bebanyak gambo tu.. hanya gambo nie menarik perhatian aku..


hah ko.. nie nama dia gelak sakan.. sebab happy nak kawen .. kah.. kah.. kah..

mawi ngan ekin bukan main lagik gelak besor.. nie kalau nengok dorang dari depan sure nampak anak tekak nih.. muahahaha.. hahaha..

aper le yang mengeletek hati depa nih.. bakal pengantin lain aku nengok ayu je gelak.. hehehe.. hehehe..

gelak jangan tak gelak..

Light trivial to light up your day

This is.......sooo funny

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can’t you tell the difference by taste?


Customer : No, I can’t.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?


Customer : Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.


Customer : Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?


Customer : Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?


Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Ministry.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take This
train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and The game went into extra time.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.”
The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honor, I’ll have A scotch and soda.”


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
In Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won’t.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It’s addressed to Mumbai.


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
‘My trouble is,’ he said, ‘that I keep forgetting things.’
‘How long has this been going on?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘How long has what been going on?’ said the man.


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the Field”
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.


Waiter : I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.
Customer : Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,

“Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!”
“That’s great, Sweetheart,” said her daddy.
“Come in to the living room and tell me about it.”
“Well,” began the confession, “I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math’s and 20 in science.”

Have A Good Laugh

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth giving.

Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, "congratulation, you got twins!".

"Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy. "I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy, "congratulation! you have triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy. ? "I am working for 3M Corporation"

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy,

"Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat,"

"Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident". "I kerja di Four Season Hotel!"

While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.

All the 3 daddies asked him, why are you seems so worry??"

He answered, "I am working with Seven-Eleven!"

Take A Break...

Wasiat Isteri

Seorang suami baru kematian isteri yang amat dikasihinya. Ketika suasana kesedihan di tanah perkuburan, sesudah imam membaca talkin, si suami terus menyiram air mawar, bukan satu cerek atau satu jar seperti kebiasaan orang, malah terus satu baldi. Para hadirin merasakan tindak tanduk itu membayangkan betapa kasihnya suami ini kepada isterinya. Ramai yang bercucuran airmata melihat senario ini romantik ini. Tak kurang juga ramai daripada kalangan para hadirin yang berbisik di hati masing-masing betapa bernasib baik arwah mendapat suami yang bergitu setia dengan kasih sayang yang sedemikain solid.

Namum bagi kenalan rapat, tindak tanduk si suami ini mula minimbulkan tanda tanya apabila setiap pagi, tengahari dan malam si suami itu masih menyiram air di pusara arwah isterinya, bukannya secerek malah masih sebaldi seta ditaburkan baja. Kadang-kadang mereka mendapati beliau membawa kanta sambil meninjau dengan penuh teliti seolah-olah membuat kajian di atas tanah tersebut. Malah beberapa hari kemudian mereka telah melihat beliau memasang sprinklerdi atas tanah perkuburan tersebut.

Apabila sudah masuk dua minggu amalan aneh ini berterusan, maka ada yang membuka mulut bertanya dan sekali gus ingin menasihati kerana bimbang takut-takut si suami ini semakin hilang akal lantaran kerinduan yang teramat sangat. Apabila ditanya, si suami menjawab "Arwah isteri ku telah berpesan, jika beliau meninggal, janganlah kahwin lain sehingga rumput atas kuburnya tumbuh. Itulah sebabnya aku terpaksa siram sedemikian rupa untuk memastikan rumput agar cepat tumbuh!"

Takde Otak

Pada suatu hari, seorang pelajar yang aktif dalam perlumbaan haram telah mendapat habuannya. Kemalangan itu begitu ngeri hingga sebatang besi telah tercucuk di kepalanya. Menurut doktor, jika besi itu tidak mengenai otak, pelajar itu mempunyai harapan untuk diselamatkan. Mendengar penjelasan doktor itu, bapa berkenaan berkata: "Dia akan selamat kerana besi itu pasti tidak dapat mengenai otaknya." Doktor yang kagum dengan keyakinan si bapa ini terus bertanya: "Bagaimana pak cik boleh begitu yakin, hingga perkataan isya'Allah pun pak cik tak sebut?". Sampuk si bapa: "Masakan besi itu boleh mengenai otaknya kerana dia memang tak ada otak, kalau dia ada otak, tentu dia tak buat kerja gila lagi merbahaya ini, buat abis duit aku jer anto belajor!".

Bapak Borek Anak Rintik

Kononnya terdapat seorang kaki cerita handalan di sebuah kampung yang sentiasa mendapat tumpuan ramai di mana saja dia berada. Suatu hari, ketika pulang ke kampung setelah urusan di bandar, dia amat terkejut melihat orang kampung sedang khusyuk memberi perhatian sambil mengerumuni seorang penceramah. Senario dan gelagat orang ramai yang mengelilingi orang berkenaan ternyata memberi gambaran yang tokoh itu bukan orang sembarangan. Setelah didekati, penceramah baru itu ialah anaknya sendiri. "Nampaknya anak aku dah lawan taukeh ni." bisik hatinya.

Suatu petang, penceramah ini mengajak anaknya bersiar-siar kerana agak sudah lama tidak keluar bersama. Apabila berada diatas jambatan, tiba-tiba penceramah itu terus terjun kedalam sungai dan hilang dari pandangan untuk tempoh yang agak lama. Anaknya mula cemas, Namu, kebimbangan ini hilang bila bapanya timbul semula. "Bapa pergi mana?" tanya anaknya segera. "Itulah Mat, kau tak ikut aku, tadi masa bapa terjun ke dalam sungai, rupa-rupanya ada warung teh tarik di dasar sungai. Itulah yang lama sikit dalam sungai tu." mengarut bapanya. Mendengar kata-kata bapanya, si anak pun terus terjun dan berada lebih lama lagi hinggakan si bapa pula resah. Ketika di dasar sungai, si anak telah mencapai seketul batu dan menggunakannya untuk melukakan kepalanya sedikit dengan sengaja. Apabila dia timbul semula, si bapa bertanya kenapa kepalanya berdarah. "Itulah bapa, tadi bapa minum teh tarik di warung sana tak bayar duit, bila mamak tu tau saya anak bapa, dia terus memukul saya."

Kursus Kahwin

Seorang pemuda yang hendak mendirikan rumahtangga telah berjumpa dengan tok kadi untuk diuji perkara-perkara asas mengenai agama. Tok kadi mula bertanya secara rambang.

Tok Kadi : Boleh awak membaca doa Qunut?
Pemuda : Boleh.
Tok Kadi : Boleh bacakan sekarang, ustaz nak dengar.
Pemuda : Tersangat boleh, ustaz nak dengar yang panjang atau yang pendek?
Tok Kadi : Ada dua jenis ke? Tapi tak mengapa, sila bacakan kedua-duanya sekali.
Pemuda : Kalau yang pendek, bacanya....Qunut! dan kalau yang panjang, bacanya....Qunuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!

Si Lurus

Seorang pak cik tua dari Merbok, Kedah baru saja lulus lesen menunggang motosikal. Menurut undang-undang, Pelekat "P" hendaklah digantung pada motosikal bagi yang baru lulus lesen motor. Suatu hari ketika menuggang dia telah terserempak dengan polis yang membuat sekatan.

Polis : "P" mana pak cik?
Pak Cik : Pi Alorq Starq. (Dengan muka konfiden)
Polis : Pak cik nak berguran plak yea, "P" mana?
Pak Cik : Aku nak pi Alorq Starq . (Dia dah mula naik angin)
Polis : Amboi, main-main plak pak cik ni, ni saya tanya ni pak cik, mana "P"?
Pak Cik : Aku dah habarq tak sat Alorq Starq , hang tak dengarq ka? Apa hang ingat aku tak tau ka jalan ni nak pi Alorq Starq. Mentang-mentang hang pakai unipom polis tu janganlah nak pelekeh orang tua cam aku ni.
Polis : Nak pi...pi lah.....
Pak Cik : Hah, tu kan senang, yang dok tanya banyak-banyak tu pasai apa, saja cari pasai!!!!!

Si Gila

Suatu hari, seorang pesakit gila di Tanjung Rambutan diziarahi kaum keluarganya. Apabila keluarganya hendak balik, pesaki gila telah berkata kepada kawannya yang sama-sama gila.

Orang Gila 1 : Tengok tu, orang-orang gila tu dah nak balik.
Orang Gila 2 : Kenapa engkau kata mereka Gila?
Orang Gila 1 : Mereka tidak percaya yang aku nie Hang Tuah.
Orang Gila 2 : Tapi kau memang pun bukan Hang Tuah.
Orang Gila 1 : Apsal kau cakap aku bukan Hang Tuah?
Orang Gila 2 : Aku pernah bertarung dengan Hang Tuah di Istana Melaka, dia tidak sedikit pun seperti kau.
Orang Gila 1 : Kau siapa sebenarnya?
Orang Gila 2 : Hang Jebat.........

The Boss is Always Right

Seorang Bos ynag tidak pernah bermesyuarat dengan orang bawahanya telah menggantungkan peratuan untuk dijadikan panduan.

Rule No. 1 : The Boss is Always Right
Rule No. 2 : If the Boss is Wrong, please REFER to rule No. 1.

Ponteng

Salim ingin ponteng sekolah, lalu dia berlagak sebagai bapanya dan menelefon pihak sekolah.

Salim : (Dengan suara kasar) Saya ingin memberitahu cikgu, yang Salim bin Endot tidak dapat hadir ke sekolah kerana demam.
Cikgu : Boleh saya tahu siapa bercakap?
Salim : Yang sedang bercakap ini bapa saya.

Mind Your Language

Seorang guru sering menggunakan bahasa kasar ketika mengajar, berkata;

Cikgu : Siapa yang rasa dirinya bodoh dalam kelas ni sila berdiri!

Tiada siapa yang berdiri. Dan cikgunya bertanya soalan yang sama lagi, masih tiada yang berdiri. Namun, setelah beberapa ketika, seorang pelajar berdiri.

Cikgu : Bagus! Tahu pun diri awak bodoh, Sekarang beritahu saya kenapa awak rasa diri awak bodoh?

Pelajar : Sebenarnya saya tak rasa diri saya bodoh cikgu, tapi saya kesian tengok cikgu berdiri sorang jer

Canceling Credit Cards - Priceless!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February, March and April for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $90.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is three months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: " Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member : "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank : "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member : "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member : "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? (Priceless!!)

Joke From Singapore..

In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB),
And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).
Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB).
If that's not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) and get more from you.

So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)
With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS),
You are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA),
Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB).
And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.

When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital (MOH),
You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.
If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you,
And you will be Sure to Give up Hope (SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE).
If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads.
If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),
OR get squashed in a bus Side By Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax,
Not even the good old place we used to go because it has become
So Expensive and Nothing To See Actually (SENTOSA)!!!

Do you know the meaning of A,B,C,D,E,F ?

hehehehe.. hehehehehehe

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."

khikhikhi..

Before & after KAWIN

kelakar gak baca lawak orang singapore nie.. source dari anak sedara hubby..
nie sesaja postkan untuk suka2 aje.. :D


1. ANGKATKAN BEG
B4: Come syg, let me carry d bag 4 u. Kesian u..
Afta: Beg u pun u malas nk bawa. Lain kali jgn bawa beg ah!


2. TERSUNGKUR BATU
B4: Syg, u ok? Bodoh nye batu! Nk pegi hospital?
Afta: Jln betul2 la! Buta ke? Batu tu macam besar pun tk nampak!


3. PAKAI SEXY
B4: Lawanye u pakai baju ni. Turn on!
Afta: Hey, tk tau malu eh? Tgk nampak longkang tu! Babat
berlapis2 macam langsir ropol2!
Awak pakai, saya yg malu tau!



4. MANJA DI PUBLIC
B4: Manjanye syg i ni. Mcm i nak gigit2, nak romen dgn u skrg jugak!
Afta: Oi! Org tgk ah! Da tua pun tk malu ke?



5. KEMPUNAN
B4: U nk makan burger ramly? Ok, besok i masuk JB belikan u eh syg..
Afta: Burger McD pun sama pe! Jgn cerewet ah! Makan je!


6. KECANTIKAN
B4: Kalau pakai make-up tebal pun dia kata cantik.
Afta: Ape ni make up mcm tepung gomak? Wayang pekji pun kalah tau!
Bulan2 asyik beli make-up je!


7. KEKAYAAN
B4: U tkde bnyk duit pun, i tetap syg u. Kekayaan tk menjanji kan
kebahagiaan.
Afta: Tu la, dulu tk nk blajar betul2. Skrg baru nk menyesal!
Duit tong sampah bulan ni camne?


8. SEX
B4: Kalau kita kawin, hari2 i nk dekat dgn u tak nak kluar bilik.
Afta: Eh, i penat tau! Ingat i robot ke? Gatal, tepi ah menyibuk je!


9. KESABARAN
B4: Sudala syg, jgn merajuk. Yelah, i salah. I minta maaf. Maafkan i eh?
Afta: Da buat salah tk nk mengaku. Tau nk merajuk je. Awak punye
pasal ah! Tk kuasa aku nak pujuk2!


10. MASAKAN
B4: Sedapnye u masak (walaupun tk sedap)
Afta: Mak u tak ajar masak ke? Ni Nasi lemak ke nasi basi?


11. DUIT NO PROBLEM
B4: Syg, kita mkn dekat restoran mahal tu eh? Mahal tkpela, skali skala...
Afta: Mak oi! Pe mahal! Da la! Mee grg mamak pat haig rd lagi sedap.
Tak mau lah terkopak aku!


12. LUV PEGI LUV BALIK
B4: Bye syg, I luv u too. Muaks! Miss u la syg. (Padahal smlm baru jumpe)
Afta: Ah, ok bye! Tak bole la. Kawan i ade ni! Bye la bye la!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story From Thailand

Donno whether it's true or not.. i'll reserve my comment..

There was this Singaporean who went on a tour to Bangkok.
During his stay there, he happened to meet his Thai business associate who invited him to his house.
After being introduced to the family which included three daughters, the Singaporean was asked to stay for dinner.
It was a simple meal of vegetables and fish served with traditional white rice.
The Singaporean man took his leave and continued the remainder of his tour.
Three months later, the man decided to divorce his wife of 10 years. His wife was shocked!
After persistently asking for a reason, he disclosed that he was madly in love with his Thai associate's second daughter.
He couldn't seem to stop thinking about her and the longing will only go away when he is with her.
He insisted on the divorce and wants to marry the girl. The wife in her desperation decided to seek help from a "Si Fu" recommended by her relative.
It is through him that they discovered a shocking custom.
In some parts of Thailand, when a girl first got her period, she is to rear a fish and feed it with the sanitary pads after using them.
The fish is killed when she spots the man she wants to marry. The fish is cooked and served to this man.
The man will be so mesmerized by her and will love her till the day she dies.
The wife upon knowing this custom appealed to the "Si fu" for a solution.
The "Si Fu" says that only when the girl rejects the man in the face will he wake up from his trance. There is no other way out.
The wife made a trip to Thailand to speak and plead with the family. They relented and the spell was lifted.


Moral of the story:
You men out there don't be taken in by a simple meal. There is more to it.
They have similar customs in Indonesia too. But they use pubic hairs instead.

Belajarlah Untuk Berkata 'Cukup'

Kisah dan teladan dari makhluk Allah yang bergelar manusia............untuk renungan dan iktibar

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah... Segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam.

Sesungguhnya aku bersaksi bahawa tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah yang Esa, tiada sekutu

bagiNya dan sesungguhnya aku bersaksi bahawa Nabi Muhammad itu hamba dan rasulNya.

Selawat berserta salam buat Nabi Junjungan Muhammad SAW yang mempunyai keperibadian mulia & diutuskan sebagai ikutan. Juga buat sekalian muslimin & orang2 yang beramal soleh...

Minggu lepas saya sempat tonton sebahagian dari sebuah filem yang disiarkan di channel Vision Four. Tajuknya Interstate 60. Pelakon utamanya saya tak kenal tapi pelakon tambahannya ramai yang top2.

Salah satu babak yang saya ingat sangat, ialah di awal cerita yang membabitkan pelakon terkenal, Micheal J.Fox. Dalam babak tu, Micheal kelihatan seperti seorang businessman yang sibuk.

Ketika itu dia sedang bercakap2 di handphonenya di dalam kereta. Di belakangnya ada seorang lelaki sedang mengayuh basikal sambil menghisap pipe. Tiba2 Micheal buka pintu keretanya dan akibatnya lelaki tersebut terlanggar pintu tersebut dan tergolek. Tengah tergocoh2 & sibuk mintak maaf tuh, handphone Micheal terlepas dari tangan. Sampai je keatas jalan, datang satu trailer lenyek handphone. Apa lagi, menyumpah

seranah la dia. Yela... Sebagai businessman, tentu handphone tu alat penting untuknya.

Dalam keadaan marah, terkeluar dari mulut Micheal (lebih kurang la...) "Saya harap ini tak pernah terjadi".

Rupa2nya lelaki yang bawa basikal tadi ada kuasa magik. Dia mampu ulang balik masa dan mereka kembali ke satu keadaan di mana Micheal masih dalam kereta dan lelaki tadi masih menunggang basikalnya.

Bila tiba hampir ke kereta Micheal, dia berhenti. Tiba2 Micheal keluar dari kereta. Kali ni lelaki tadi tak melanggar pintunya seperti sebelum ini. Jadi Micheal terus rancak berbual hinggalah tiba2 datang trailer

dan melanggar Micheal J. Fox. Lelaki tadi, yang berada di belakang kereta Micheal & memerhatikan segalanya, berkata "Some people just don't know what to wish for" (Sesetengah orang tak tahu apa yang patut diminta).

Apa kesudahan filem ini saya tak tahu sebab saya tak menontonnya hingga selesai. Tapi saya cukup tertarik dengan perkataan lelaki yang berbasikal tu. Sesetengah orang tak tahu apa yang patut mereka minta.

Bukankah hampir kita semua begitu? Dalam filem tadi, Micheal mengharapkan kemalangan tu (basikal langgar pintu keretanya) tak berlaku supaya handphonenya terselamat. Tapi tanpa kemalangan itu, dia pula yang maut.

Perasan tak?

Ini satu telefilem fiksyen. Rekaan semata. Tapi perkara ni sebenarnya berlaku dalam kehidupan harian kita. Seringkali kita meminta perkara yang macam2 seolah2 itulah yang terbaik untuk kita. Persoalannya,

tahukah kita apa yang terbaik untuk kita? Kalau kita dilahirkan miskin, kita sering berdoa untuk menjadi kaya. Hendak mengubah kehidupan, kita kata.

Tapi kita pastikah kekayaan itu yang terbaik untuk kita?

Atau kita dilahirkan pendek, atau terlalu tinggi, atau hitam atau berpenyakit. Tentunya kita mengharap2kan keajaiban untuk menjadi manusia yang sempurna atau sekurang2nya 'just nice'. Mungkin juga kita

terbabit dalam kemalangan yang mengorbankan orang yang tersayang. Pasti tercalit dalam hati keinginan untuk mengembalikan masa itu supaya kemalangan itu dapat dielakkan dan nyawa orang kesayangan kita juga selamat.

Kan?

Persoalannya, adakah apa yang kita perolehi sekarang ini bukan yang terbaik? Adakah Allah itu zalim atau pilih kasih dengan memberi sesetengah orang nikmat manakala setengah lagih azab? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Adil? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Mengetahui? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Bijaksana?

Jika begitu, mengapakah ada sesetengah dari kita yang bernasib malang manakala sesetengah yang lain bernasib baik sepanjang hidup mereka? Sebenarnya, kita adalah apa yang kita minta (we are what we wish for) dengan izin Allah.

Kadangkala tatkala kita berdoa, kita sendiri kurang faham dengan apa yang kita minta. Ada orang berdoa minta selamat. Akan tetapi Allah berikan dia dari sihat jatuh sakit. Dari kaya jatuh miskin. Dari jelita jadi hodoh.

Bagaimana itu? Itu hanyalah sebagai ujian kesabarannya. Seandainya imannya tetap kuat, insyaAllah dia akan selamat di akhirat kelak. Selamat juga, bukan? Adakah Allah menolak permintaannya?

Tidak! Bahkan Allah meletakkannya ke tempat yang lebih tinggi. Begitu juga dengan keadaan saya baru2 ini. Hidup dikelilingi hutang lapuk. Pening kepala nak bayar. Interest makin meningkat. Ibu mana yang tak kasihan lihat anaknya susah hati?

Satu hari tu ibu saya beritahu saya yang dia tiap2 hari berdoa minta saya dapat banyak duit. Dia simpati dengan saya katanya. Saya katakan kepadanya. Kalau banyak duit, tiap2 bulan saya dapat, Alhamdulillah. Saya katakan padanya kalau mahu berdoa untuk saya,berdoalah semoga hutang lapuk saya selesai. Saya beritahunya ketika

sebelum Zuhur.

Zuhur tu juga dia telah tukar doanya dan Alhamdulillah, petang itu juga saya nampak jalan penyelesaiannya. Doa ibu itu berkat. Sekarang, Alhamdulillah ringan rasanya beban di kepala saya. Maha Suci Allah...

Apabila Allah menentukan sesuatu ke atas kita, percayalah itu adalah yang terbaik. Hanya mata kita yang diseliputi dengan nafsu yang tidak dapat melihat kebaikan yang ada pada sesuatu kejadian. Mengapa sukar

bagi kita untuk redha kepada kejadian Allah? 'Grass is always greener onthe other side'. Kan? Kita sentiasa melihat apa yang ada pada orang lain itu lebih baik dari apa yang kita miliki.

Sedang Nabi saw telah menasihatkan agar kita melihat orang yang di bawah. Jangan melihat orang lebih tinggi kerana intu akan membuat kita tidak bersyukur. Dan itulah masalahnya pada diri kita. Kita sentiasa

mengejar peluang yang lebih baik. Sentiasa mahukan yang lebih banyak.

Saya sendiri mengalami perkara ini. Dan saya percaya ramai yang turut mengalaminya. Siapa yang taknak gaji besar, kan? Masa saya gred, ekonomi negara benar2 sedang menjunam. Saya kehulu ke hilir mencari kerja. Akhirnya saya bekerja sebagai operator di kilang metal stamping. Gaji RM400 sebulan. Tiada OT. Tolak itu, tolak ini,dapatlah RM350. Hm... Cukup? Dah tentu tidak. Ketika itu saya hanya memiliki sebuah motor Yamaha 110SS hadiah ayah sempena dia dapat EPF. Isi minyak dengan makan dah habis. Ketika itu saya fikir, dapat gaji RM750 pun jadilah.

Kemudian saya bekerja sebagai Lab Technician. Betul2 saya dapat RM750. Cukup? Tak juga. Masa tu saya mula terfikir. Dapat gaji RM1500 pun dah cukup. Allah tunaikan lagi. Bekerja pula di petrochemical plant.

Sebagai trainee, dapat la RM1500 sebulan. Ya Allah... tak cukup juga. Sebab masa tu saya dah beli kereta Iswara. Saya fikir, dapat RM2500 cukup la.Tapi bila dapat banyak tu, saya tukar kereta pula. Kesimpulannya tak cukup juga! Memang takkan cukup. Nafsu itu adalah benda yang paling besar!

Sekarang, ketika kawan2 saya berlumba masuk syarikat lain yang offer gaji 2 - 3 kali ganda, saya tetap di sini. Kalau ada yang bertanya kenapa saya tak ikut mereka, senang saya katakan. Saya selesa di sini. Kalau solat

saya panjang, bos tak pernah marah. Sedang rakan2 saya di syarikat baru dibenarkan solat hanya dalam masa 5 minit sahaja.

Kini saya dah pandai mengatakan cukup. Cukuplah sebanyak ini yang Allah beri. Sekiranya diberi lebih, Alhamdulillah. Sekiranya semakin kurang, semoga Allah perkuatkan iman saya menghadapi dugaan mendatang.

Yang penting bagi saya, apa yang saya perolehi ini halal dan diberkati.

Pesan Nabi saw kepada Saiyidina Ali ra supaya jangan mengira2 rezeki untuk hari esok kerana Allah menurunkan rezeki pada tiap2 hari. Ini benar2 terkesan dalam hati saya. Tapi bukan bererti kita tak boleh mengejar yang lebih baik. Kejarlah dunia seperti akan hidup 1000 tahun lagi. Tapi dunia itu ibarat bayang2. Makin dikejar makin ia lari.

Kejarlah akhirat seperti akan mati esok hari.Kerana akhirat itu umpama matahari. Makin kita kejar akhirat (matahari), dunia (bayang2) akan mengejar kita. Rezeki itu hak Allah maka bermohonlah kepada Yang Memiliki rezeki itu. Kerana tiada rezeki untuk kita tanpa ada izin dariNya.

Terjadi kepada kenalan saya. Dengan gaji RM1000 sebulan, nak bayar ansuran rumah, nak isi minyak motor yang makin naik, duit lampin anak, duit makan, tinggal pula di JB, memang tak cukup. Sering dia mengeluh. Di

tempat kerjanya pula dah lama hadkan OT. Kesian dia. Selalu dia cakap dia nak cari kerja lain. Dah banyak dia apply tapi tak dapat2 sebab tiada kelulusan dan umur pun dah makin lanjut. Atau setidak2nya dapat banyak OT.

Saya katakan padanya, besar periuk besarlah kerak. Sekarang dia pakai motor. Kalau gaji besar lagi, mungkin dia pakai kereta. Besar mana pun tetap tak cukup.

Tapi... Masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan. Akhirnya Allah tunaikan permintaannya. Tiba2 dia dapat banyak sangat OT. Hari2 balik rumah sampai tengah malam. Langsung tak rehat. Main dengan anak pun 2 -3 minit masa pagi sebelum ke tempat kerja. Bila jumpa, dia cakap dah penat. Tak larat nakOT. Saya ketawakan dia. Bukankah ini yang dia minta? Ya, katanya. Tapi dia dah tak larat. Hari Ahad je dia dapat rehat. Bila nak main2 dengan anak?Kesian anaknya. Ke masjid pun hari Jumaat saja sekarang ni... Saya katakan padanya, kita tak boleh dapat segala2nya. Dia nak duit, Allah bagi duit.Tapi dia hilang kehidupan dan masa dengan anaknya. Itu adalah permintaannya. Bersyukurlah Allah telah menunaikan...

Kalau nak dikongsi, terlalu banyak rasanya apa yang saya lalui. Saya pasti, saudara2 semua juga ada lalui perkara yang sama. Di sini, bukan niat saya nak mengajar. Bukan juga nak menunjuk pandai. Saya hanya

mengajak saudara2 sekalian terutamanya diri saya sendiri untuk berfikir. Apa yang kita buru? Apa yang kita cari? Apa yang kita dapat? Berapa kali pernah kita bersyukur dan berapa kali pernah kita katakan cukup?

Cukup atau tidak apa yang kita ada, bergantung kepada cukup atau tidak kita bersyukur ke hadrat Allah. Juga bergantung cukup atau tidak kita tambat nafsu kita. Yang penting tiap kali selepas solat, berdoalah pohonkan Allah berikan yang terbaik buat kita.

Nabi saw pernah memberitahu, orang yang tidak berdoa selepas solat adalah orang yang sombong. Dalam

hadith yang lain, Baginda saw berkata orang yang sombong adalah syirik kerana hanya Allah yang layak untuk bersifat sombong. Wallahu'alam...

Ya Allah! Ampunkanlah kami ya Allah. Selama ini kami leka.

Selama ini kami lalai dalam mengejar nikmat dunia hingga kami lupa janji nikmat syurga Mu.

Cukupkanlah kami dengan apa yang Kau beri. Dan jadikanlah kami insan yang tahu bersyukur. Amin... Ya Rabbal 'Alamin...

Akhir kata, berlajarlah untuk berkata cukup.....

Sekian buat kali ini. Segala yang baik datang dari Allah dan yang buruk adalah akibat kebodohan saya sendiri. Wabillahitaufiq walhidayah,Wassalamualaikum Warahmatullah

Proof that women are cut from a different cloth..

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

How to scold your bozz

Jgn benci kucing Lawak Hari ini

Budin seorang yang amat benci pada kucing, entah apa silap yang telah
dibuat oleh kucing padanya tiada siapa yang tahu.
Walaupun begitu, jodoh pertemuan sememangnya ketentuan Ilahi, Budin bertemu
jodoh dengan Gayah yang sememangnya amat suka dan cinta pada kucing. Bukan
itu sahaja, sebelum berkahwin dengan Budin, Gayah sudah sedia ada membela
seekor kucing siam .

Maka dari hari ke hari, bertambah benci dan meluatlah Budin pada kucing
terutama si Tompok, kucing siam peliharaan isterinya. Apa tidaknya, Gayah
lebih memberi tumpuan kepada si Tompok dalam kehidupan sehari-hariannya.
Hal ini membuatkan Budin beranggapan, Gayah lebih sayang si Tompok
berbanding dengan dirinya.

Akibat tidak mahu terus tertekan dengan keadaan ini, Budin membuat
rancangan untuk mengusir si Tompok dari hidupnya dan hidup isterinya,
Gayah. Maka, bermulalah dengan rancangan jahat Budin.

Pucuk dicita ulam yang mendatang, ketika isterinya sedang asyik mandi,
Budin dengan tanpa segan silunya telah menangkap si Tompok, disumbat dalam
karung beras Mehsuri. Tanpa berlengah terus merempit motor kapcainya
sehingga jauh dari rumahnya , lebih kurang 10 km lalu dihumbanlah si Tompok
tanpa belas kasihan. Dengan hati gembira, baliklah dia ke rumah dengan
siulan mengikut rentah lagu "Cindai" nyanyian Siti Nurhaliza.

Tapi, kegembiraan hanyalah sementara bila tiba di rumah si Tompok dengan
sombong bongkaknya melanggok depan pintu lagaknya menyambut kepulangan
Budin. Sakitnya hati Budin tak dapat digambarkan.

Besoknya, Budin meneruskan rancangan jahatnya. Kali ini lebih jauh dibawa
si Tompok, 20 km dari rumahnya. Tetapi seperti semalam Tompok berjaya
mendahuluinya pulang ke rumah. Budin tidak putus asa begitu sahaja,
alang-alang peluk pekasam, biar habis basah sampai ke pangkal lenggan.

Maka nekadlah Budin, kali ini dia bukan sahaja hendak buang Tompok lagi
jauh tapi dibawanya Tompok pusing-pusing dahulu. Habis semual jalan
ditempuh, sekijap ke kiri, sikijap ke kanan, yang lurus, yang bengkok,
segala kona, segala selekoh habis dirempitnya dan akhirnya si Tompok
dibuang begitu sahaja.

Selang berapa minit kemudian, Budin menelefon Gayah. Budin: Ayang, Tompok
ada kat dalam rumah tak, tanya Budin dengan penuh suspen lagi
berdebar-debar...

Gayah: Ada , ada dekat depan pintu tu ha, Kenapa? tanya Gayah keheranan.
Budin: Panggil dia! herdik Budin dengan nada yang tinggi...
Gayah: Kenapa? tanya Gayah lagi.
Budin. Aku nak tanya dia, bagaimana nak balik ke rumah. Aku sesat ni!...


kah.. kah.. kah...

Husband & Wife Story

The stories are short but very humorous ! Enjoy!


Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want
to divorce my husband." "But why?" asked the judge. She replied,
"Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know?
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."



Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month
after I die I want you to marry Samy." " Samy! But he is your enemy! "
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now”



Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
"The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."



Husband & Wife - Why?

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd
be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in
another man's arms. "Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a
few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."



Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers
and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor
"You're still getting the same service!"



Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another: "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward;
but have I ever said anything bad about him?"



Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He
kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would
love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."



Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she
starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody
dares answer her." One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry,
what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the
windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer
back.



Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always
came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my
advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I
called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him!"
asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "You see, his name
is Bill."



Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He
replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

Medical Advise

I DON'T KNOW WHICH DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q:I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A:Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A:Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"